


I'll be your mirror

by GreenPhoenix



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2014-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-26 14:26:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2655338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenPhoenix/pseuds/GreenPhoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Chris killed Vern before he met Toby. Robson retaliates. Toby is broken as a result. The boys get together on the outside. It’s not easy, but how could it be?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll be your mirror

”I find it hard to believe you don't know  
The beauty that you are  
But if you don't let me be your eyes  
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind  
That inside you're twisted and unkind  
Let me stand to show that you are blind  
Please put down your hands  
'Cause I see you

I'll be your mirror”

Velvet Underground ”I’ll be your mirror”

 

Keller sighed. He’d lived in this dump with Beecher for the past two years, and it wasn’t looking any better.  
Beecher had money, but he still lived in squalor.  
Since they made parole Beecher had pushed papers at his family’s law firm, while Keller worked at a garage.  
They’d both survived Oz. Just about.  
Beecher still lived in the shadow of his ordeal. Keller would never forget it, nor the men he killed because of it.

*  
“He’ll live,” said Gloria Nathan somberly.  
“Are you sure?” Keller looked concerned at the pale, broken figure in the hospital ward.  
“Yes. His arms and legs are broken, but there are no major internal injuries. Physically he’ll be alright.”  
“Mentally?”  
“I can’t say. The trauma of what he went through could lessen, but its effects will always be with him.”  
“I know,” said Keller. “I know.”  
He held the pale hand until they made him leave.  
Then he went to take revenge.

*  
“We had your little bitch in ways you never will again,” said Robson. “Then we broke your little toy. You still want it if it’s broken?”   
“Fuck you,” said Keller.  
“He liked it,” said Cutler.  
“I doubt that,” said Keller, the shank in his back pocket felt very heavy.  
“We’re even now,” said Robson. “You killed Vern and we broke your little bitch. He’ll live. Aren’t we kind?”  
Keller shanked him. Then he did Cutler as well.  
*  
Keller got off on temporary insanity, thanks to Beecher and sons counseling.  
Toby couldn’t stand to be touched after his ordeal, so Keller kept his distance.  
He’d kept it for two years.  
Now Toby could let himself be embraced, and Keller could undress in front of him, but he kept himself covered at all times.  
They’d arranged for Keller to see other people, as long as he kept it safe and didn’t talk of it.  
He’d seen a string of men and women, all for empty sex.  
Keller had asked Toby if he thought it would be easier with a woman, but Toby said no.  
He loved Chris but couldn’t get physical with him.  
Chris loved Toby, and wouldn’t push for more.   
He couldn’t, wouldn’t leave Toby, even if it was killing him to see him so hurt.  
He had to stay with him, no matter what.  
*  
The rentboy sighed. His chipped black nails and blond hair looked as cheap as he was.  
He smoked a post-coital cigarette in his cold room.  
“You weren’t that good,” said the boy and looked teasingly sad.  
“Steady on,” said Keller.  
“Your heart wasn’t in it.”  
“Yeah.”  
“You can tell me to shut up.”  
“Will it do any good?”  
“Probably not. Look, Keller, why don’t you be with the one you truly love?”  
“How would you know?”  
“You called me by his name. I’m Bryce, not Toby.”  
“Oh. “  
“Yeah. That’s okay. Is he gone?”  
“No. Might as well be sometimes.”  
“Why?”  
“Can’t stand it when I touch him. Not after..”  
“I see. And you love him too much to leave.”  
“Yeah.”  
“So, stay. Be patient. Look, you’ve got it good. You have your health, a job and a man who loves you. What more can you need?”  
“For him to stop shying away from me.”  
“Give it time, “ said Bryce and coughed. “No, it’s not what you think. Lung cancer. I won’t see twenty-six.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Yeah. Not looking for pity, just trying to offer some perspective.”  
“Are you a whore or a shrink?”  
“So they all say. Look, if you wanna talk some more you can.”  
Keller shrugged.  
*  
Keller came home to find Toby asleep. No nightmares for a change. He crept carefully into the bed, and stayed on his own side.  
*  
“Chris?”  
Toby woke him up.  
“You okay?”  
“Yeah. You had fun?”  
“No. Might as well have been my shrink, the one you pay for.”  
“Sorry.”  
“Nah. I learned a few things. Come here.”  
Toby slowly did.  
Chris embraced him, and Toby let him.  
“I wish I could touch you,” said Toby.  
“Do.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Try me. I’ll just lie still and you can please yourself.”  
He did, pulling away from Toby. Let it be his choice what he wanted to do.  
Toby settled for touching his arm muscles, tracing them with his warm fingers.  
He wouldn’t touch any further, but it was okay.  
A year ago, he’d have been afraid even of this.  
Toby laced his fingers with Chris’ and felt his heart beat, steady and regular.  
“I wish I could kill them again,” said Chris,  
“Me too,” said Toby. “But we have to live in the now. It’s just us now, for better or worse.”  
“Better Tobe. I love you. I’ll never leave you. I swear.”  
“You better mean it.”  
“You know it,” said Chris and let sleep claim him.  
He dreamed of young Bryce coughing his life away, and Robson burning in hell.  
Dear old daddy Vern was there too.  
He saw Toby asleep beside him and the bad dreams went away.

*  
“Is he doing better?” asked Angus,  
“Maybe,” said Chris.  
“Meaning?”  
“It’s slowly getting better. “  
“How do you deal with..”  
“Slowly like everything else.”  
“My wife saw you with some blonde woman.”  
“Yeah,” said Chris. “She probably did. Toby knows, don’t tell him. Or do if you don’t trust me.”  
“Oh I trust you. You have an arrangement? Please tell me you’re keeping it safe.”  
“Yes, dad,” said Chris.  
Angus laughed, despite himself.  
As long as Toby knew, he supposed it wasn’t any of his business. He didn’t know what he’d do if Gina couldn’t stand his touch. He’d probably seduce a secretary or two.  
*  
Chris saw his regular shrink. Toby insisted he keep seeing her. She was not a patch on sister Pete, but she did okay.  
Rita was fiftyish and carried herself with ease.  
“How are you Chris?” she asked.  
“I’m fine. Toby’s not.”  
“As ever.”  
“He’ll never touch me like he used to.”  
“It’s all about sex with you.” She looked stern, like the nun she wasn’t.  
“Not at all. I miss being able to touch him without worrying about hurting him, or bringing back bad memories.”  
“I know. But you can be close without touching.”  
“It’s hard. I’d kill those fuckers a million times if I could.“  
“Their deaths can’t undo their deeds.”  
“You sound like Pete.”  
“Yes. She is wise. Look Chris you are dealing with it, you have to.”  
“I won’t leave him. If I did…I would die. If he got deadly sick or if he did himself in..I would die. There’s nothing in this world for me if he’s not in it.”  
“Don’t tell him that. He has enough to deal with as it is.”  
“I know. I won’t. I just love him so much and I can’t make love to him like I want to.”  
“It’s killing you. But you have to let him take the time he needs. If you care that much, you have no choice.”  
“I know,” he sighed, without Toby he had nobody and nothing, expect drinking buddies and ex-wives. And Ronnie.  
It wasn’t enough.  
He had to have Toby or he was an empty shell.  
*  
Chris came home each night and showered off the scent of some man or woman and climbed into bed with his fragile lover.  
His lover who shied away from his touch, and didn’t want him to be alone.  
Empty sex was not filling the void anymore.  
Chris took off his clothes and went to bed instead.  
“You’re not leaving?” asked Toby.  
“No. I’m staying with you. Can I hold you?”  
“Yes. It’s okay if you get hard.”  
And just like that he was. Never failed.  
“I thought so,” said Toby.  
“Yeah.”  
“Maybe if you touch yourself I can watch.”  
Toby hadn’t watched him jerk off since Oz. This was huge.  
“You okay with that?”  
“I am. Go on, touch yourself.”  
He shrugged off the sheet and went off to the races. Toby’s eyes followed his every move against his hand, and he looked less haunted now.  
He smiled when Chris came with a shout of his name.  
Toby carefully touched the come on his belly.  
“Tasty,” he said. “Too bad I’ve already eaten.”  
“Yeah. This is better for the skin.”  
Toby laughed, Chris kissed his hand.  
Chris felt closer to Toby now; they were more intimate than people whose every orifice he’d penetrated lately.  
“You wanna touch yourself?” asked Chris.  
Toby nodded.  
“Can I see?”   
Toby nodded again, and stroked himself with Chris eyes on him.  
Toby’s orgasm was beautiful, just like he was.  
It was a triumph over the things in the past.  
Chris hugged him tighter, and felt himself slip into a peaceful sleep for the first time in months.

**Author's Note:**

> I blame dr squidlove for this one. Or thank. She inspired me to want to do a longer piece, about Toby recovering from his Oz ordeal with Chris trying to be patient. Her wonderful story “Someone like you” touched me a lot, and this came from that.   
> What I wanted was for Toby to go in another direction with coping than in canon, shying away from touch and being fragile. So how does someone as sexual as Chris deal with that? I wanted to explore intimacy on a level that was deeper than just sex, and wonder how love survives that.


End file.
